So I’m going to try and blog what it’s like to be me with my bipolar brain in all its glorious disorderly order 🙂
These past few days have been mostly a 4/10 and I would prefer to land somewhere around 6/10. I’m not expecting, nor do I want, an 8/10 or more. If I got in that range I would be verging on, if not in the full throes, mania, which is not something I desire. Mania for me manifests in irritability and overspending and I don’t want to piss off my family as I kind of need them to get stuff done around the house (and there’s the whole I love them thing – lol) and the overspending, well there’s only so much I truly need from Goodwill.
Anyway, back to yesterday. I woke up in the morning and even though I knew the kids needed to get up on time, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I mean I had to pull myself to be up and vertical, because horizontal parenting just doesn’t work the same, while repeatedly saying to myself, “You can do this. You’re the mom. You need to do this. If you don’t do this you suck as a mom.” Being bipolar I of course felt like a crappy mom anyway because that’s the way the bipolar brain lies. And what’s worse is that we believe it. Hook, line, and sinker, and really it’s the sinker that gets us. It’s like an anchor that can pull us down and hold us in place. Isn’t the bipolar brain amazing?
Later in the day I needed pain meds but was hesitant to take them. What if they triggered a hypomanic episode, which can happen with narcotics. Would I be able to still be “on”? This was important because the kids would eventually come home and I would need to be sitting attentively while they blithely favored their screens over quality time with mom, as teens are want to do. Obviously some of this is the same as those of normal folk but as a bipolar these thoughts bounced around my brain for hours. Seriously. Hours. The ability of the bipolar brain to obsess on issues is astonishing.
Obsession is something that I struggle with. I’ll get stuck on a thought and focus on it as it takes up real estate in brain for hours on end. It’s not even something I can stop. I just need to wait it out. This is what the bipolar brain can do. At least it’s what my bipolar brain does. Now I just need it to focus on something awesome, like a fabulous trip to Hawaii, with a beach, drinks and all the other loveliness that comes from a vacay in the tropics!
I will post more about my brain, my life, my truth. Come back for more on the Bipolar Brain soon!