Yep. Another day, another opportunity to do the dance!
Because of all the typical morning stress today I didn’t go back to bed and instead was firmly up and wide awake. Even without coffee I managed to get stuck in a manic “I’m going to do everything” phase. What did this mean for me? Well, it meant doing a bunch of laundry even though I’m supposed to be on bed rest, something that is an anathema for me. I despise the concept of bed rest and hate sitting still for hours on end being utterly unproductive, particularly when mania rears its head. Anyway, I also wanted to do a bit of the dishes, and considered vacuuming (although I was smart enough not to) along with making plans for prepping dinner.
Work was another question though. That triggered depression. Yes, you read that right. It’s possible to be both manic and depressed at the same time. In this case it resulted in a lack of action. I just wanted to avoid it. My brain couldn’t wrap itself around it for the day. Instead of getting excited as I had the day before I just felt scared. What if I did something wrong? What if it didn’t work right? How was I supposed to unlock myself from the grip of that fear?
Instead I did the bipolar dance and tried to balance the two. I struggled to overcome the depression and to leverage the mania to give myself the “umph” I needed to get past the negativity around work. I tried self-talk. I read poetry. I surfed the Internet, way more than I should have. Eventually my mania got the better of me and won out, allowing me to get some work done, but the struggle was real and I still dealt with anxiety over every choice I made in the work I did complete.
In the midst of all of that I managed to maintain a relatively positive exterior. Visited with a friend and hung out with the kids, watching tv with them and laughing at the latest George Lopez show, always a favorite in our house. And that, my friend, is what my bipolar brain is best at: pretending that it isn’t.