This Bipolar Life: Mind Games

Can you imagine what it’s like to never really trust your own thoughts and feelings? I don’t need to imagine it. I live it, every day. I never know if it’s my bipolar brain distorting my thoughts or my rational mind generating feelings I don’t know if I can’t be certain of either.

It’s not often a serious issue, typically I can rely on my rational mind (thank you meds!) but recently I had a situation arise where I needed to follow my gut instinct and I wasn’t sure I could or should. As a bipolar person, I’m never sure what my inclination really is. I spent hours weighing my options and trying to figure out if my gut feelings were being driven by my bipolar brain or my rational mind. In the end I had to go on faith that it was best to err on the side of caution and go with my a combination of the two (having hope that my bipolar brain wasn’t distorting my thoughts) but it took me a while to get there.

That I cannot have faith in my own mind, in my thoughts and feelings, is one of the biggest frustrations of bipolar disorder for me. I want to be sure. Being something of a control freak I have always wanted absolute certainty. Instead now I live with nearly constant questions and frustration. I’m always wondering and never confident.  In every area of my life. It makes it very difficult to make decisions. This struggle to retain access to my own mind, to my true “self”, is one of my greatest losses from all of this.

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