This Bipolar Life: Letting go of Letting go

Whoever said “letting go” was a good thing (or even required) must not have had anything worth holding on to. Mind you, “worth holding on to” varies by person, something I understand deeply. In my experience sometimes it’s better to live with the struggles I know than to welcome new ones into my world, which generally happens when I’ve let go of something. It merely creates space for something else to take up residence and its rare that “something” is positive.

As for me, being bipolar it becomes very difficult to let go of things, regardless of their source or type, and I am no different. When there is conflict I engage, fully, and without much hesitation. I don’t let go. Not until there are no other options. I want to work it out and I want to deal with it. I want all the cards on the table and for the game to play its way out, whatever direction that is. I’m not sure why that’s the case. I don’t understand it.

I want a solution not just endless discussion or concession. I want understanding, compassion, and conclusion. I want to know the problem has been solved and won’t be arising again to take me by surprise. I just want to know that the issue is over and resolved.

Of course I do what I can to make sure my reactions are appropriate and my responses are thoughtful but sometimes, in fact often, I fail at this. More than once I have been known to respond to a “level two” situation with a “level 3 0r more” response. Basically I can overreact. I know this about myself. Hell I have been told I do this so many times in my life it’s lost it’s impact. It is what it is.

For Pete’s sake, I’m bipolar type 1. I overreact. It’s kind of part and parcel of the disorder. Is that an excuse? No. But it *is* an explanation, and that holds some merit and deserves some understanding and compassion.

Despite my very best efforts “letting go” is simply not a viable option for me more often than not. My brain simply doesn’t work that way. It’s one of my greatest struggles and I’m sure it will impact me in ways I haven’t yet even contemplated but I can’t necessarily change it. As I said above, it is what it is.

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