I’m stuck in something of an existential crisis. I’ve spent 15 years as a chronically ill person and now am facing a lifetime ahead of me without that. In many ways this is an incredible thing and I have a lot to be thankful for given how much struggle it’s been to get this far. That being said, I now have to redefine myself as a healthy person with a mental illness and I don’t know how to do that. I’m not even sure where to start. I know the basics, eat right, take my meds, and exercise. But what about the rest? How do I build and stick to a routine of normalcy? What is that anyway? I guess that’s what I’m struggling to find. My normal. What is it? Where is it? What the heck do I need to do to find it? Once I find it, how do I keep it? And, in the end, do I even want it? Do I want to be “normal”?
To go along with my angst there has been an increasing feeling of depression seeping in around me. Lately (and I’m sure much of this has to do with recovering from my recent surgeries and being under the weather in general) I feel as though I’ve just been working hard to keep my head above water, in so many areas. It’s exhausting and my little bipolar brain feels as though I’m fighting a battle every morning just to get out of bed and face another day of doing the same thing to get what seems like too few results.
It’s too tiring to push through at the moment. So for now I’m going to keep on treading water and asking the questions, hoping to find the answers.