I’m in the midst of my first real manic episode in a long time. I don’t think it’s full-blown mania as there are no psychotic features but I’m definitely manic. It’s higher than my typical hypomanic state. My ability to control my impulses is not what it usually is and I’m experiencing a lot of the “typical” bipolar mania symptoms for the first time in my recollection.
I’m spending when I shouldn’t. Finding myself with a much higher sex drive than usual. Thinking I can accomplish things that are clearly unreasonable. Irrational opinions. Easily agitated with a shorter than normal fuse. Wanting to “get up and go” or just “escape” for a while. I just want to get away from my life for a bit at the moment. Not forever mind you but just long enough to wait this out.
I don’t like it. It’s scary. The highs are too high for my comfort. I want to be grounded and centered. The meds don’t fix it. Nothing seems to fix it at the moment. I’m really just trying to keep my head down and get through to the other side. Exercise and getting outside some has helped as has trying to be more aware of what I’m eating. I’m staying on top of my meds, docs, and care circle but none of that can do the job of keeping my brain in gear.
It’s hard because I make decisions I wouldn’t necessarily and sometimes there are hurt feelings and negative consequences. Worst part? Sometimes it affects those I care about most and it hurts to know I’ve been a part of that. In fact there were a couple of things I did that I know have put members of my family in very difficult positions. All because of choices *I* made.
Anyway, I’m working through a lot at the moment so I’m grateful for all of you who are sticking with me through this and appreciate it if you can’t. I’m going to keep the blog going but just can’t commit to frequent updates. At least not right now.
Right now what I really need to do is take care of myself, my family, my business, etc. I have made some solid errors and for the time being need to work on being gentle with myself and offering the same forgiveness to myself that I would to others.
So that’s where I’ll be. If you need me feel free to message me. I’m still checking periodically. I just need to step back a bit.