You know something? Even in the best of times it is possible to be depressed. Hell, it’s even possible to smile through it. Behind that well-intended facade can be a person just trying to get through a day of being on (what I call functionally engaged in the day) and trying to be whatever “normal” is.

Sometimes just sitting up on the side of the bed takes forever and showering seems like a herculean feat, much less getting dressed and heading out into the “real world” full of neurotypical people. It’s hard. A lot of the time. It’s just not easy. Does it get easier? Sometimes. Does it stay easier? Not generally. 

In my case it fluctuates but there are days, weeks, months that feel like this. Like I’m suffocating beneath the weight of being on and trying to so hard just to fit in and be “normal”. This is the struggle so many with mental illness can face and the lack of comprehension for bystanders makes it very difficult for those of us who need just that. An understanding.

That being said, I’m glad you don’t understand how I feel. I wouldn’t want you too, not really. It’s painful and overwhelming at times. It’s indulgently delicious at others. It’s just a lot. All at once. Never in turn. That’s my reality and the similarities to others in the mental illness community are striking.

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